Heroes in a Half Shell

So, for those who may not recall, there's a brand new, all computer animated Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie coming out in the spring. Promising to be darker and closer to the original Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird comics.

When this was first announced, we were told there would be no celebrity voices, aside from Japanese character actor Mako, who'd be doing the voice of Splinter. This was announced shortly before Mako passed away, actually, so this'll go down in history as his final film.

Well, guess what? More of the voice cast was announced the other day, and it's chock-full of celebrity voices! No celebrities are voicing the Turtles, however. It's nothing but celebrities for the familiar support cast...and the new villains. Who do we have?

Sarah Michelle Gellar, still best remembered as Buffy the Vampire Slayer, is giving voice to the Turtles' bestest and closest human friend, April O'Neil.

Chris Evans, whom we all saw as Johnny Storm/the Human Torch in Fantastic Four, is giving voice to Casey Jones, the hockey-mask-wearing, baseball-bat-swinging vigililante. Remember, Casey Jones was actually a big part of the original Eastman/Laird comics.



Hong Kong actress Ziyi Zhang, who rocketed to fame in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, and made her English-language debut last year in Memoirs of a Geisha, does the voice of Kairi, a bad-ass female ninja who's the new leader of the Foot Clan. That's right, in this film, Shredder is missing and presumed dead. So, that means a new villain.

In the film, the villain in Max Winters, a billionaire industrialist who's trying to unleash an army of monsters to take over the world. The evil Max Winters is voiced by none other than Professor X and Capt. Picard himself, Patrick Stewart.

And, voicing a small, but important role, is my favourite filmmaker, Kevin Smith. Smith voices a clerk (what else?) in a fast food place that the TMNT frequent.

So, what's the plot in this film? Well, it's like this. The Shredder is missing and presumed dead. With no unifying threat, the Ninja Turtles are starting to drift apart...go their own way. Leonardo is walking the Earth. Raphael is becoming a vigiliante, beating up random muggers in NYC. Michaelangelo does kids' birthday parties. And, thanks to the miracle of outsourcing, Dontallo sits in the sewers all day working the tech support lines for some computer company.

And then...strange occurances draw our four heroes back to New York. Max Winters is getting ready to unleash his army of monsters. And the TMNT must unite once again and stop Max Winters.

March 23, 2007.