Well, today was registration day at NAIT. I'm all signed up to go back to school this fall. I don't know, I was so bleh about the whole registration process. I did it so many times back at Augustana. I didn't get very excited.

But then, not much excites me any more. The last time I was truly excited was when I went to Tokyo Disneyland. I guess I should write a column about that. When my laptop broke down, I was in the middle of writing a column about my trip to the Studio Ghilbi Museum. I, personally, think that'll make a better column. Disneyland was cool in that, "My God, this is so cheezy, it must be cool," way, but the the Studio Ghibli Musuem was cool in that, "Wow. I can't believe this is real," kind of way.

Man, I wish I backed that up so I could finish it.

Next issue...Return of the Queen

Let me reiterate what I said yesterday:

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

I got an hour to upload my latest column, another hour to check this morning's e-mail, and then...nothing.

I am very angry right now.

Next issue...Hulk out

OK, getting on my parents computer and writing nasty messages seems to have jinxed my laptop back into working. Go read my latest column...while you can.

Next issue...Eternal Vigilance

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

I have my laptop back for one week - ONE FUCKING WEEK! - and it breaks down again. Tomorrow, I am going to put on my finest suit, head back into Future Shop, and kick ass, corporate style.

Next issue...Death to the Corporation

As we all know, Freddy vs. Jason is in theatres right now, and I'm watching Friday the 13th part 6 on TV. True, I've never been a big horror guy, but my logic is, "If it's on at 1pm on a Sunday afternoon, how scary can it be?" And trust me, part 6 is more stupid than scary. Anyway, it strikes me that I never really knew the origins of Jason. (Someone told me the origins of Freddy several years back.) So, I've been doing some Friday the 13th research online. Much to my surprise, Jason didn't make his first appearance until part 2 (his mother was the killer in part 1) and he didn't start wearing his trademark hockey mask until part 3 (he wore a pillowcase over his head in part 2). And his origins? Still unclear.

Anyway, my thoughts today are of fast food. This stems from an e-mail I got from Mr. Anderson over the focus of my site. I understand his point that it should just have one focus. But the question is, what should that focus be? He casually threw out the line, "Hell, you may even want to do fast food reviews," and I started thinking, "Why not?"

Does such a website exist? Is there a website out there that provides critiques of fast food like restaurant reviews? I think that is such a great idea. Why couldn't there be an Ain't It Cool News for fast food restaurants? A database of reviews on your classic fast food meals, news on upcoming "burgers of the month," who's giving away what toys right now, genius! As we all know, though, fast food restaurants also tend to do a lot of evil in the world, so there could also be a section called, "Between the Buns" or something that tries to bring us the latest evil that they do, for a complete and balanced picture.

I'm going to go look for such a website.

Next issue...Friday the 13th part XXII: Jason vs. Ronald

I've only had my repaired laptop back for a week, and it's like having a new computer. I find I'm doing all those things you tend to do when you have a new computer. You know, changing my wallpaper everyday, checking my e-mail every half-hour, stuff like that.

One thing I really missed while I was in Japan that I can now watch on TV again is stand-up comedy. I actually missed watching stand-up. I missed it so much, I even ran out and bought a comedy CD one day. When I was online at the Internet cafe, I was donwloading and listening to old Abbot & Costello routines. I truly missed stand-up.

And here's a peek inside my creative process. About a year ago, I ran a massive, three-part epic column on my website entitled Don't Panic. (Go read Part I, Part II, and Part III) It was quite popular and went over well. So, five months back, I was working on a sequel about another day trip I took in Japan, entitled Don't Panic 2: The Female Buddha. I had finished writing parts 1 and 2 when my laptop suffered its catastrophic failure. Now, I've got it fixed, but I just can't get back into the groove I was in five months ago when I was writing parts 1 and 2. Any advice on how to keep going from here?

Next Issue...Don't Panic 3: The Undiscovered Final Voyage Home

Time to take the movies back, and possibly rent a few more. I was reading a few days ago how, thanks to many factors, like the success of Bowling for Columbine and the popularity of reality TV, the documentary is experiencing an increse in popularity. I was thinking about this as I saw a few documentaries I considered renting:

Lost in LaMancha - This originally started as a DVD featurette for Terry Gilliam's film The Man Who Killed Don Quixote, but as it became clear on the first day of shooting, the film was a doomed production. So, it wound up being a documentary about the destruction of the film. Flash floods destroyed the sets, practicing NATO jets kept flying overhead, the star broke his back, and through it all, Gilliam tried to keep everyone calm.

Comedian - This one follows the daily grind of stand-up comics. Of course, the main story thrust is Jerry Seinfeld, as he gets back into the grind, trying out new material and all that good stuff. It's apparently very good and very funny.

Next issue...Our fascinating 12-hour documentary on the history of paper clips.

Well, in case you haven't noticed, I've been redesigning things a little. With my main site, Chaos In A Box back online, I tried to figure out what to do with this. So, welcome to Midnight Ramblings! Hopefully, this'll absorb all the rants I make pop culture things so the column can focus purly on writing. Pop culture ramblings like this one....

I've rented a couple animated flicks so I can catch up on what I missed while I was in Japan. Right now, I'm watching Ice Age. It's OK, but it's trying too hard to be Shrek. I also finally got The Animatrix. A mixed bag, to be sure, but nothing really stellar. I dunno, when it comes to animation for adults, it all looks like one of two things for me: 1) A pale imitation of Japanese anime-style, or 2) weak segments from the 1981 film Heavy Metal. It was all right, I guess.

And, of course, last night I wasted a good hour watching Smallville. You know, with that show, I find that the great deal of drama doesn't come from young Clark Kent's angst as he pines for Lana Lang and comes to term with his powers. No, it comes from Lex Luthor's slow, almost painfully slow, decent to the dark side. A snide comment from his father here, a heartbreak there, it's all adding up.

Next issue...The JubJub Strikes!

OK, I haven't done this for a couple of weeks, but I feel like writing something tonight, so why not this? And, truth be told, this is actually last week's episode of He-Man. But, I have to include it, if only because it tell's the origin of Stinkor, a character that the makers of the original cartoon REFUSED to do because they felt the character would just become "a walking fart joke." So, let me summarize:

The Sweet Smell of Victory - The episode opens with Odephus, a little rodent of a villain (seriously, like only 2 feet tall) robbing some items from an Eternian warehouse. A group of Skeletor's henchmen bust in, also seeking to steal some of the high tech equipment. But, this soon brings in He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, and a fight breaks out. Roboto (yay!) is with them, and he rips out his BFGs and lays waste to the place. Sadly, in the carnage, the evildoers manage to get away. Odephus, impressed with these evil deeds, follows them, hoping to become one of Skeletor's henchmen. In the aftermath, Roboto sinks into a funk. Because of his miscalculations, he destoryed the place and the bad guys got away. Man-At-Arms advises him not to dwell on this, as it will turn him into his own worst enemy. Meanwhile, back at Snake Mountain, Trap Jaw is using the stolen equipment to finish his latest invention: a device that will remove Beast Man's foul body odor. (Seriously.) Odephus bursts in, asking Trap Jaw to let him into the gang, but Trap Jaw just waves him off. Skeletor summons Trap Jaw, and Odephus is left alone in Trap Jaw's lab. Odephus starts fiddling with the anti-BO machine, and soon it zaps him. It causes Odephus to mutate into the size of a regular human being...but it also curses him with an overwhelmingly bad stench. Unable to bear his own smell, Odephus grabs a gas mask from Trap Jaw's workshop and figures, "Hey! With the power of stench, Skeletor's just got to let me in!" He bursts into Skeletor's throne room, but Skeletor just covers his nose and orders Odephus banshied from Snake Mountain. Feeling alone and dejected, Odephus wanders off in a self-pitying despair, leaving dead plants in his wake. He finds himself a rock and begins to cry. But, sadly, his stench soon wafts over to a herd of Eternian livestock. The smell spooks the livestock, and they take off on a stampede, right towards the Eternian palace! The Masters of the Universe spring into action to ward of this threat. Roboto deduces that, since animals are involved, Beast Man is probably the culprit, and goes off to aprehend Beast Man. The Masters successfully stop the stampede, and Roboto returns, having found no trace of Beast Man. Stratos deduces that these animals are sensitive to smell, so maybe a bad smell set them off. This causes Roboto to sink further into his despair. Turns out Skeletor was watching the whole thing, and thinks, "Ya know, maybe this guy'll be useful after all." Skeletor recalls Odephus to Snake Mountain and hatches a delirously simple plan: Odephus will distract the palace guards (and the Masters) with his stench, while everyone else launches a full-out assault on the Eternian palace. So, Odephus goes on ahead to stink up the place. The plan works, and soon the Masters are running around, leaving the castle unguarded, as they go off to fight the stench. But, before they go, He-Man figures there must be more to this, and spies Skeletor and his troops advancing on the castle. Odephus gets the drop on He-Man, and they begin to fight. It's tough going, though, as He-Man and Battle Cat are almost cripped by Odephus' stench. As all this is going on, Roboto crawls out of his funk long enough to scan the battlefield. He notices Odephus' gas mask. He radios this information to He-Man: Odephus is vulnerable to his own stench. So, He-Man provides the distraction, while Battle Cat sneaks up on Odephus. When he's within striking distance, Battle Cat rips off Odephus' gas mask, and Odephus collapses, overwhelmed by his own stench. He-Man then picks up the lifeless body of Odephus and hurls him into the middle of Skeletor's forces. This causes an immediate retreat. Roboto's role in the victory propels him out of his funk. We end back at Snake Mountain, where Skeletor's forces are scrubbing the stink out of their armor. One inquires as to why Odephus isn't made to scrub, where Skeletor points out that Odephus actually pulled off his part of the plan, and thus proved his worth to Skeletor. Off screen, we hear Odpehus say, "Odephus? Odephus is dead!" He then enters, wearing an orange suit of armor to contain and control his stench. "Call me...STINKOR!"

Next issue...the Return of Snout Spout! (Bring back Snout Spout!)

Ladies and gentlemen, I have an important announcement to make.

Chaos In A Box.com is going back online.

For those who haven't been keeping, Chaos In A Box.com is my real website. It's been down since Apirl when my laptop died on me. Here we are, 5 months later, and my laptop still isn't fixed. I just can't stand this anymore. I've got my parents' computer, I've spent the past few weeks hammering out a few columns. I just can't wait anymore.

However, most of the templates and stuff for formatting my columns for upload are still on my laptop. It'll take some time to reconstruct them from what I have uploaded. So, let the countdown begin: my first new column in 5 months will go up on Sunday, August 10.

Next issue...Return of the King, Baby!

WOO! Finding Nemo just kicked The Lion King's ass and became the #1 animated film of all time! Let's hope that Pixar can finally renegotiate their deal with Disney. See, under the current deal, Pixar and Disney split everything - profits and expenses - 50/50. Pixar wants that to change to where they get all the profits, pay all the expenses, and just pay Disney a flat rate for distribution. It's the same deal Lucasfilm has with 20th Century Fox for the Star Wars films.

I did some more window shopping at Star Trek Toys. They actually have one of the more obscure Star Trek action figures that I want, and they have it for a decent price too. See, the Star Trek figures of the 1990s were made by Playmates Toys. Playmates dominated toy shelves in the late 80s and early 90s with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles action figures. So, in the early 90s, there was a brief overlap where Playmates made both Star Trek and Ninja Turtles. Obviously, Playmates saw money to be made and combined the two. That's right, they made a brief line of Star Trek Ninja Turtles. This set of four figures featured Leonardo as Captain Kirk, Donatallo as Spock, Rapheal as Bones, and Michaelangelo as Scotty. Why they never bothered with Klingon Captain Shredder or Orion Slave Girl April O'Neil we'll never know. But still, being a Turtles fan at the time, and with Donatello being my favourite, I did kind of desire the Donatello as Spock figure.

In case you're curious, my Star Trek action figure wish list runs like this:

The Doctor from Star Trek Voyager
General Chang from Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country
Donatello as Mr. Spock from that Star Trek Ninja Turtles line
The Borg Queen from Star Trek First Contact

I'd also kind of like to get an Ezri Dax figure. They never made one. Can you believe it? Sadly, the final season of Deep Space Nine happened in a grey period when no one was making Star Trek figures.

Next issue...the Lives of Dax

Well, now it's Wednesday. For those interested in the follow-up, I saw Terminator 3, which was actually a lot better than I expected, and Tomb Raider 2, which was about what I expected. I also wound up going to Toys R Us and buying some of the leftover Star Trek Nemesis action figures. I know the movie was all "meh," but they were cool toys! Besides, I first got into collecting action figures with the Star Trek ones. For some reason, they became really hard-to-find around 1995. I'm a little thrilled that there's finally new product on the shelves.

Sadly, they became really hard-to-find right when the Star Trek: Voyager toys came out. I still want the Doctor for my collection. I occasionally look for him on eBay, seeing if someone is willing to part with his/hers. I also found this online store that sells nothing but Star Trek toys, which is appropriatly called, Star Trek Toys. I can buy the Doctor from them for $80 US. Call me cheap, but I won't pay that much for a collectable action figure until I have so much money that I can wipe my ass with silk, to quote whathisname from The Matrix Reloaded.

Next issue...The Doctor Lives!

Still debating how to spend my Tuesday. I was thinking about heading into Edmonton, picking up Daredevil on DVD, doing some more in-person bitching about my laptop not being fixed, and doing a double feature day. The only problem is, what movies should I see? I was thinking Tomb Raider 2, but lackluster reviews are turning me off. I still have a morbid curiosity about Terminator 3. And then there's the surprise hit of the summer, Pirates of the Carribean. Any suggestions? You have 9 hours to e-mail me.

Next issue...Excitement in the Mall

Trouble had this up at her website, and it looked like fun, so I thought I'd do it. She, in turn, got it from here. So, without further ado....

1. If your life were a movie, what would the title be?
Since I'm planning on writing a book about my life, the movie would probably have the same title: The Life and Times of the Scarecrow.

2. What songs would be on the soundtrack?
Always Look on the Bright Side of Life - Monty Python
The Rainbow Connection - Kermit the Frog
Tryin' To Get to New Orleans - The Tractors
A Hard Day's Night - The Beatles
Pinch Me - Barenaked Ladies
UHF, Dare to be Stupid, Everything You Know Is Wrong, You Make Me, Genius In France - "Weird Al" Yankovic
The Japanese closing credits theme for series 5 of Pokemon
...and a Danny Elfman score

3. Would it be a live-action film or animated? Why?
Live action, of course, because I don't think animation is the right medium. We're going for more of an American Beauty vibe.

4. Casting: who would play you, members of your family, friends, etc?
Hmmm.... Never thought about me until I started thinking about this. Everyone else is easy.

Me - Tobey Maguire

Family:
Dad - Leslie Neilsen
Mom - Jane Kaczmerick
Brother - John Goodman
Sister - Alicia Witt
Sister-in-Law - Courtney Thorne-Smith

Friends:
Mr. Anderson (formerly Chuck) - Ben Affleck
Yves (formerly L) - Christina Ricci
The Horny Wisconciner - Topher Grace
Trouble - Marina Sirtis
Darmok - Brent Spiner
Streiff - Dominic Keating

Influential People Who'd Be a Crime to Leave Out:
My high school phys ed teacher - Christopher Meloni
My high school math/science teacher - Julie Andrews
My high school English teacher - David Ogden Stires
An amalgimation of every positive trait of my university professors - Rene Auberjenois
My univeristy foil/arch-rival - Danny Masterson
My boss at Extra Foods - Cameryn Manheim
My head teacher in Japan - Ming-Na
My coolest co-worker in Japan - B.D. Wong
My unrequited love from university - Joan Cusak
And, as the voice of the mysterious, shadowy dream woman, Tara Strong.

5. Describe the movie preview/trailer.
American Beauty-style music begins to play. Helicopter shot of Entwistle. The Tobey Maguire voice over begins: "This is my home. I've lived here most of my life. There's nothing for me here. There's never been anything for me here. I keep trying to leave...." Thus begins the montage of various highlights from my 26 years of life, before we cut to the final shot of Tobey Maguire on my front porch, "But something keeps pulling me back." The title appears on screen. Fade out. The final words apear on screen: "Attempt the Escape. This Christmas."

See, I currently have no life, so I just kind of sit around planning this.

Next issue...the Sequel!

The new bio I threw together for my real website.

Next issue...Home Alone 27

Long story short: I owe the government $292.74.

The long story: Back in March I was running around like a chicken with it's head cut off trying to figure out whether I had to pay taxes or not. What I ultimatley did was send off a special audit form to Revenue Canada to determine my residency status. I've been waiting for a reply ever since. Today, I get this bill from the government for $292.74 and it's marked "past due." I go "wha? I never got the first one! What's this about?" I reach into the box Mom has in the corner here labeled "Mark's mail I was going to forward to him but didn't because he'll be home soon," thinking that the first bill would be inside saying why I have to pay this. The first letter I find from Revenue Canada is dated May 9. I skim it. It's the results of my audit and it says I was not a Canadian resident, ergo I don't have to pay taxes on my Japanese earnings. Yay! I find a second letter dated May 30, also from Revenue Canada. It says, "It has come to our attention that from June 2002 to April 2003, you were not a resident of Canada. Therefore, we shouldn't have sent you all of those GST rebate cheques. We want our money back. You owe us...$292.74." The first bill.

So, yeah. Governments are evil. They just take our money and give it to big business. They'll be sorry when the revolution comes....

Next issue...The Revolution!...Canceled Due to Snow

I've been wasting way too much time on my new addiction: Lego Racers. It's a video game I tried on my cousin's PlayStation, and I just fished it out of a discount bin for PC. It's a racing game in the style of Super Mario Kart and all that. You race little Lego cars down little Lego World tracks. And thing is, because it's Lego, you build your own car. I've built four so far: Scarecrow, Easy Rider, Boxcar Willie, and Knightman. Boxcar is simply a big block on wheels. And know what? It's the best one I've built.

And see, thing is, because it's Lego, you don't unlock cars when you win. No. You unlock Lego sets to build your cars. You start with the standards: Basic, Town, Space, and Castle. So far, I've unlocked Pirate, Tropical Island, a second Castle, and two versions of that Johnny Thunder adventure. It's just so darn addictive. Anyway, off to build a fifth car!

Next issue...Attack of the Knightman!

*sigh* There's always something depressing about returning from a 3-day road trip and finding you have no e-mail from your friends. Not even from your best friend, whom you obsessivly e-mail 3 times a day. I often morbidly wonder how long he'd have to go with no e-mail from me before he sends me a "Dude, you alive?" message.

But then, I don't have to wonder. I know. It takes one week. A few years back, I left on the spur-of-the-moment to join my family on a camping trip. We left on Wednesday, and were back the next Wednesday. I booted up my computer that evening, and there it was: "To: Mark. Subject: Where are you? I miss you!" Ahh, for the days when I had a life and he didn't.

But I'm back now. After being home in Canada for a month, I figured it was time to go see the grandparents and show them I'm alive and well. So are they.

Next issue...Dr. Octopus Stikes! (And the Canadian Postal Workers)

Well, I spent a wonderful waste of an afternoon watching Star Trek on DVD. I found this really great cut scene from Nemesis. It was only 1 minute long; I don't know why they had to cut it. Essentially, as the Enterprise-E prepares for battle, Picard goes down to sickbay and has a moment with Dr. Crusher. He laments how he's always felt uneasy when this ship of exploration becomes a ship of war. Snip, snip.

And in another crime against humanity, Stan Lee, coming off of his "success" with Stripperella, has another idea for a superhero cartoon that is essentially a collection of jiggly boob jokes. Hef's Superbunnies features Hugh Hefner dispatching Playboy bunnies on all kinds of crime-fighting missions around the world. As Cinescape put it, it sounds like a more risque version of Charlie's Angels.

Stripperella, in case you're not watching it, stars Pamela Anderson as a stripper named Erotica, who also fights crime as super-secret agent 0069, code named Stripperella. It's trying to be The Tick, but it replaces genuine wit with jiggly boob jokes.

Next issue...More Jiggly Boob Jokes.

It's official. I need to buy my own house. Why? Because my mean ol' parents won't let me build my home theatre. My first attempt at getting my own house didn't go so well. One night, around the dinner table, I looked at my parents and said, "Mom. Dad. MOVE OUT OF MY HOUSE!" They just laughed. So, I guess I'll just have to buy one.

Speaking of buying stuff, next time I'm in a bookstore I think I'll have to get The Martians by Kim Stanley Robinson. When I was in Japan, Streiff sent me Robinson's Mars trilogy (Red Mars, Green Mars, Blue Mars) and I found it to be a fascinating read. The Martians isn't as much as a sequel as it is a companion. See, each novel is divided into sections, and each section is told from the POV of a specific character. In The Martians, Robinson thinks, "Well, you know, in that section, I never mentioned this character at all. I think I'll write a short story about what he/she was doing during that time...." And it's stuff like that. I think I'll enjoy it.

Next issue...Darth Randall Strikes!

Yay! The 2-disc special edition of Star Trek V: The Final Frontier comes out in October! Among the bonus features will be test footage of the Rock Monster. Are you familiar with this story? At the climax of #5, the energy being that claims to be God gets all pissy and starts hurling lightening bolts at Capt. Kirk. Originally, the faux-God was going to create a Rock Monster to hunt down Capt. Kirk. Only problem was, the animatronic Rock Monster that was created was sooooooooo phony that they didn't use it. They hoped to put in a stop-motion animated Rock Monster later, but they ran out of money and they couldn't afford to put in any Rock Monsters.

When this DVD project was first announced, Director and star William Shatner did ask if he could go and put in a computer animated Rock Monster, because now it could be done so cheaply. But, Paramount said, "Nope. #5 is the biggest bomb of the series. It's not worth the trouble."

But, we'll get to see what little of the Rock Monster was filmed.

Next issue...Wrath of the Rock Monsters

Well, I was going to not bother doing this, but then when I saw Finding Nemo with Trouble the other day, she tells me that she's reading these, mainly because she doesn't have cable TV and can't watch these for herself. With that in mind, here's what happened on last week's two episodes of the new He-Man:

Snake Pit - We open deep with in the dungeons of the Palace of Eternia. With the assistance of his reptillian sidekick, Kobra Kahn manages to escape. This causes great distress for Man-At-Arms, and he soon calls Teela and Prince Adam to his side to explain why Kobra Kahn is so dangerous. Kobra Kahn, you see, is the last survivng Snake Man. Centuries ago, the Snake Men were a viscious warrior race who, under the leadership of their ruler King Hiss, just about managed to enslave all of Eternia. But, thanks to Eternia's Council of Elders and the mysitcal alien warrior known as Zodac, the Snake Men were banished into the the Void. The entry door to the Void is deep within the heart of the Snake Men's old stronghold - Snake Mountain. Man-At-Arms, Prince Adam, and Teela make off for Zodac's remote mountain shrine, knowing they will need Zodac's help in this battle. Meanwhile, Kobra Kahn makes his way to Snake Mountain, intent on freeing his bretheren. There, he pledges his loyalty to Skeletor, but it is all a ruse to gain access to Snake Mountain. Back with our heroes, Man-At-Arms, Adam and Teela have found Zodac and informed him of the situation. Zodac understands and charges off into battle - alone. This troubles and offends Adam and Teela, but Man-At-Arms understands. King Hiss, you see, killed Zodac's brother. Our heroes pursue Zodac anyway, knowing he'll need help eventually. Zodac arrives at Snake Mountain and proceeds to break down the doors and mop the floor with Skeletor's henchmen. Seeing his opportunity, Kobra Kahn sneaks away in the chaos to the Void. Zodac easily restrains Skeletor and his forces and goes off after Kobra Kahn. Skeletor, however, manages to escape and follows Zodac. Finally, Man-At-Arms, Teela, and Adam arrive. They sprint past all of Skeletor's restrained henchmen and make their way to the Void, where they find Zodac. But it is too late. Kobra Kahn has opened the Void. The first one to crawl out is King Hiss's general, Rattlor. Rattlor brings with him a squadron of his finest Snake Men soldiers, and the battle ensues. As the battle begins, Adam sneaks off to become He-Man. So, we've got Zodac, He-Man, Man-At-Arms, and Teela slugging it out with an army of Snake Men. At this point, Skeletor shows up, impressed that Kobra Kahn has recruited the Snake Men for his own forces. Kobra Kahn plays along for a while, but soon Skeletor sees where Kobra Kahn's true loyalties lie. The battle rages as more Snake Men soldiers crawl out of the Void. The battle gets more and more intense, and soon, He-Man himself plummets into the Void. He-Man hits the ground hard and is knocked unconscious. Snake Men soldiers pick up He-Man's body, and drag him in offering to King Hiss. Zodac jumps into the Void, intent on saving He-Man. He-Man wakes up just in time to see King Hiss's shadowy form emerging from the Void. This is when Zodac arrives and frees He-Man. Zodac wants to stay behind and avenge his brother, but He-Man says, "Either we all go home or no one goes home." He-Man and Zodac leave together, leaving King Hiss in the Void. When they get outside, they see that Man-At-Arms, Teela, and Skeletor have been keeping busy battling the Snake Men. Knowing it's time to end this, Zodac jams his staff into the Void's lock, and the Void begins sucking the Snake Men back in. But it's not powerful enough. He-Man jams in his sword along side Zodac's staff, and begins pouring the Power of Greyskull into the Void. The Void soon manages to pull all the Snake Men back in, and the Void is resealed. But, Kobra Kahn and General Rattlor managed to stay out and they sneak off into the darkness. Skeletor allows our heroes to return home. Back at the palace, Zodac admits that he was a fool to try and take on the Snake Men by himself. He-Man offers his understanding, and Zodac becomes a Master of the Universe.

I thought this week's second episode, Trust, was a little lame. Besides, it's getting late. I'll transcribe it tomorrow.

Next issue...The Story to End Some Stories

Just picked up Star Trek Nemesis on DVD. Ya know, when I saw that film, I thought it to be a colossal let-down. It was just the best of the previous movies recycled into one. As the Barenaked Ladies sang, "It's all been done." Nemesis came out in Japan in mid-April, so I saw it within weeks of seeing X2. Right there is a great comparison. I just felt more at the death of Jean Grey than I did at the death of Data. It's strange how the hands of certain filmmakers made me care more about a character I had only known for two movies rather, and yet certain filmmakers can also make me feel completely indifferent towards a character I had loved and known for 15 years.

But anyway, today's rant is the new trend towards flavoured beverages. It started a year ago, shortly before I left for Japan. Cherry Pepsi, Lemon Pepsi, and Code Red Mountain Dew had been introduced. Now that I'm back, we've got: Cherry Pepsi, Lemon Pepsi, Cherry Coke, Vanilla Coke, Tropical Fruit 7-Up, Mint Sprite, and Mountain Dew in green, red, and blue. You know, people, you can't improve on imperfection. Pepsi, Coke, 7-Up, Sprite and Mountain Dew all suck. You can't make them better by adding MORE chemicals. Give it up. I tend to try one out of curiousity and then go, "Yup. It sucks," and go back to Dr. Pepper.

(Although, I really miss the wide variety of iced teas I enjoyed in Japan. I'd kill for a nice cold cup of milk tea right about now.)

So, to the cola companies: stop it, OK? We don't need 4 kinds of Pepsi, 6 kinds of Coke, and, least of all, 27 kinds of Mountain Dew.

In a completely unreleated story, I added some Enterprise action figures to my collection today. I got Hoshi Sato and T'Pol. When all else fails, go for the hot chicks.

Next issue...The Needs of the Many

As I stand in the middle of my room and look around at all of my collectable action figures mounted on the wall, I can't help but think this thought:

"Someday, I am going to have a house. And in my house, I will have a room. In this room, I will put my desk. I will cover the walls with my collectable action figures. There will be a bookshelf along one wall where I put my boxed action figures. My computer will sit on the desk, and this will be the room where I write my best selling novels and/or screenplays. And I will call this room...the computer room. Why? Cuz my computer's in it."

Next issue...More f**king action figures

I have been 26 year old for a day now. I did absolutly nothing for my birthday. I just kind of sat around the house, trying to drive myself insane. I'd think weird thoughts, like "Wow. The majority of my DVDs are animated films. What kind of 26 year old has more animated movies on DVD than a soccer mom?" I'm always reminded of what some guy said in an Ain't It Cool News message board: "Who should we be more worried about: the man who rents 8 hours of porn, or the man who rents 8 hours of Disney films?"

But, at least being back in a small town, it's easy to get embroilled in small town politics, especially when you're a passionate young man with a lot of free time. Today's small town political issue is the Entwistle Public Library. Did you know that the Entwistle Public Library has purchased no new books in the past 3 years? Add to that the fact that the Regional Library Board has done an audit of the Entwistle Library and determined that 92% of the library's books are too old to be lent out and/or out of date. (And they have serious doubts about the remaining 8%.) It's not that they don't have the money. The problem is the three little old ladies who comprise Entwistle's Library Board are hoarding their money and don't see any need to bring the library into the 20th Century. (That's not a typo. I'm being sarcastic.)

Ya know, a year and a half ago, I made the New Year's Resolution to read more. To fill such a goal, naturally the first stop I made was the library. I haven't been back since. Do you know why? Because one afternoon of browsing told me that they have nothing I want; that I'd be better off driving the one hour into Edmonton and dropping $100 at Chapters each month. And that's just not right.

Next issue...Mark vs. Hulk

I feel like posting something but I don't know what. I know! Following the pattern established last week, let's give you synopses of the latest episodes of the new He-Man cartoon. Well, the latest ones I've seen:

Buzz Off's Pride - His queen's royal jubilee is coming up, so Buzz Off heads off the village of Viradis to get his queen's favourite food: honeyberries. Viradis, you see, is home to the Crystal of Prasinus, which makes their produce ripe all year round and grow to phenomenal proportions. Orko tags along with Buzz Off, but they find the bridge to Viradis being guarded by a big, evil giant who's terrorizing all who tries to cross it. Buzz Off, Master of the Universe that he is, tries to battle the giant, but the giant easily whips Buzz Off's buggy butt. Buzz Off retreats to the Eternia palace and makes Orko vow never to talk of his defeat. A few minutes later, Man At Arms hears of giants terrorizing Viradis, so he, Prince Adam, Ram Man, and Buzz Off go off to battle the giants. When they assess the situation, Adam sneaks off to become He-Man. Buzz Off, consumed with vengeance, goes after the giant who defeated him in battle. This giant leads Buzz Off away, leaving He-Man, Ram Man, and Man At Arms short-handed. The other two giants make short work of these three, lay waste to the village, and make off with the Crystal of Prasinus. Our three heroes begin rescuing the civillians when Buzz Off returns. Buzz Off sees the damage that happened because he was off trying to heal his wounded pride rather than help out with the battle. Having learned a valuable lesson about one of the seven deadly sins, Buzz Off heads off on his own, on a stealth mission, to recover the Crystal and redeem himself. He goes to the giant's cottage, and this time, he doesn't let their taunts faze him. He flies around the room, making the giants trip over themselves, swipes the Crystal, and escapes through the chimeny. He returns it to Viradis where he apologizes to the other Masters for his behaviour, and the villagers offer to reward him for his action. He turns down their reward, but does at last buy some honeyberries for his queen.

Roboto's Gambit - (I was looking forward to this one because I had Roboto when I was a kid and he was one of my favourites.) Man-E-Faces in his robot form is an unbeatable chess player. So, to provide him with an equal, Man At Arms builds a chess playing android that he names Roboto. Roboto proves to be a chess player equal to Man-E-Faces, but the Masters go off on patrol, leaving Roboto alone in the castle. Meanwhile, Tri Klops is demonstrating his latest weapon of mass destruction to Skeletor: tiny skeleton warriors that double their numbers when you destroy them. But, when these skeleton warriors start fighting each other, Skeletor laughs at this weapon and sends Tri Klops on his way. We cut to Prince Adam and Teela, doing some sparring on the outskirts of the kingdom, while Sy-Klone offers some sage warrior advice. At this point, Tri Klops attacks them with his skeleton warriors. He wants to prove to Skeletor that they will work. They easily overwhelm Adam and Teela, so Sy-Klone stays behind to hold them off while Adam and Teela head to the palace to rally the troops. When they arrive at the palace, Adam sneaks off to become He-Man. He-Man orders Teela and the Eternian guard to stay behind and protect the castle while he and Battle Cat go off to assist Sy-Klone. As Teela inspects her troops, she is stunned to see Roboto among their ranks. Roboto says that he has skills as a warrior, and wants to help, but Teela dismisses him as being nothing but a game playing robot and sends him on his way. Roboto heads off to Man At Arm's lab, where he upgrades his body from that of a mere chess player to an ass kicking warrior. Again, he tries to join Teela's troops, but Teela still dismisses him as nothing but a game player. Back on the frontlines, He-Man, Battle Cat, and Sy-Klone are starting to get overwhelmed by the skeleton warriors. No matter how many they smash, more just rise up. Tri Klops begins thinking, "Who needs Skeletor? I'll take the palace for myself!" Back at the palace, Roboto has been scanning the battle field with his sensors. He finally spots Tri Klops - and his control device. He deduces that the control device must be the key to deactivating these skeleton warriors. He tries to tell this to Teela, but Teela just keeps telling him that robots can't be warriors. Finally pissed off with Teela, Roboto charges to the frontline to tell this to He-Man personally. With this new information, He-Man goes after Tri Klops while Roboto stays behind to draw away the skeleton warriors. He-Man and Tri Klops duke it out, and He-Man gets the control device and shuts down the skeleton warriors. But, it's too late. The skeleton warriors have rendered Roboto offline. Teela is stunned and saddend by this. Roboto's heroic actions have proved her wrong, and now she can't apologize to Roboto. Oh, if only she had followed Sy-Klone's wisdom! But, Man At Arms has a surprise for Teela. He has repaired Roboto, and Teela welcomes Roboto to the team of Masters of the Universe. Back at Snake Mountain, Skeletor decides to punish Tri Klops for his failure and treachery by making Tri Klops fight his own skeleton warriors.

In a completely unrelated story, it's July 7. It's my 26th birthday. I'll celebrate in the usual way: contemplating whether I should blow my head off or just go bowling. Usually, I go bowling.

Next issue...the Adventures of the 26 year old Virgin.

Hmm. Now that I'm back home in Canada, I feel more interested in following Japanese movie news. I was reading today that over 1,000,000 advance tickets for Pokemon 6 have been sold. It opens in Japan in two weeks. If only I stayed for two more months!

This kind of slides in what happned to me today. While I was in Japan, I loved to eat the Pokemon-brand pastries. All kinds of Pokemon-style Twinkies and stuff like that. Each one came with a free Pokemon sticker. Not knowing what to do with them, I'd stick them on my laptop. My laptop is still in the hands of Future Shop's tekkies, undergoing repairs. They told me it'd be ready 4-5 days. As of today, it's been 8 days. So, I phoned them up to ask what was taking so long. They asked for my name and the make & model of my laptop. After a brief pause, the tekkie asked me, "Is that the one with the Pokmeon stickers on it?" I said, "Yes." Anyway, they're waiting for replacement parts.

That's *also* why there's been no Monthly Spam for July yet. For one brief, shining moment when I returned home, my laptop was working fine. In that one brief, shining moment, I downloaded all my e-mail onto my laptop, which included my only back-up copy of my Monthly Spam mailing list. No spam until I get it back.

On an unrelated topic, I watched Star Trek IV on DVD again. It makes me curious about the history of trekkie kind. Way back in 1986, as trekkies huddled in darkened theaters to be the first to see The Voyage Home, how many just totally geeked out at the end, with the big reveal that their new ship was the Enterprise-A? You know, with no Internet back then, I guess it was easier to keep an ending like that a secret.

Next issue...The Secret of Anwat Gar

WOO!! Vancouver got the 2010 Winter Olympics! Who's coming with me?

Sooo, today's obsession is action figures. Mainly, Star Trek ones. It was the Star Trek figures that first got me into action figure collecting. When the Playmates Trek figures first came out, I got myself Riker at a Star Trek convention. I figured he needed a villain, so I got a Borg drone. Then DS9 figures came out, then Star Wars, and it all went downhill.

Anyway, now that I'm back home, I see that there are new Star Trek figures out. Really cool ones from a company called Art Asylum. So far, they've got 3 lines of figures out. There's the requisite tie-in for Enterprise, the requisite tie-in for Star Trek Nemesis, and the line that intrigues me the most, Borg Assimilation. This line features classic Star Trek aliens who have been turned into Borg drones. There are only three: Klingon, Cardassian, and Hirogen. Now see, THAT'S a great idea for Star Trek action figures. We all know that this has happened in the Star Trek universe, so why not give it to us? This is a truly a nifty way to expand the Star Trek universe in toy form. ToyFare once mention that Art Asylum is planning a similar line called Warriors of Kahless, which would be nothing but bad-ass Klingon warriors.

But, Toys R Us was out of Borg Assimilation. All they had was Nemesis and Enterprise. And from the thick layer of dust, I could tell they weren't big sellers. The question now before me is which Enterprise figure do I get? With all the other Star Trek shows, I had one simple mandate: get only my favourite characters. The only real exception to that are the ToyFare exclusives I managed to pick up. But, the problem here is, I really don't have a favourite character on Enterprise. I'm indifferent to all of them. I don't know. I guess I really don't identify with any of the Enterprise characters the way I identified with Odo. But I do want to get one because, hey, I'm a Trekkie. It's my nature. I'll probably wind up with communications officer Hoshi Sato, because:

a) They don't make enough female action figures, so I should support the cause.
b) My time in Japan seems to have temporarily left me with a thing for Asian chicks.

Speaking of ToyFare exclusives, I just went nuts at ToyFare's online store and bought a few more for my collection. In 6-8 weeks, I'll be getting Vacation Fozzie Bear from the The Muppet Show line, and the Snake Eyes and Scarlett 2-pack from the G.I. Joe line. Vacation Fozzie I've been obsessing about since September, when ToyFare first offered it. I'm thinking of it as the welcome home present to myself.

Next issue...The Call of the Huntress!

Mr. Anderson always tells me how he hates seeing the world filled with mediocrity. Maybe this'll cheer him up. Paramount is being sued for making crappy Star Trek.

See, back in 1998, Activision entered into a 10-year contract with Paramount to be the exclusive manufacturer of Star Trek video games. We are at the halfway point of the contract, and all Paramount has put out is one crappy Star Trek movie and one crappy series. Activision claims that all this crappy Star Trek is starting to hurt their video game sales. So, they're suing to a) get out of their contract and b) be compensated for damages. Here's the complete story.

And, in other news, Canada had it's annual Canada Day parade. The winner for "float that makes you look twice" goes to Fig Tree Intamates, the local lingerie and sex shop, for their van, with two inflatable dolls on top, decked out in maple leaf undies. It's good to be home....

Next issue...The Return of the Laptop! (we hope)

Just watched Pokemon 4 again on DVD. Plus, the last CD I bought in Japan was a compilation of every Japanese Pokemon theme song, so the differences between Japanese and North American Pokemon are foremost on my mind at the moment. One of the differences that really strikes me -- maybe it's a cultural thing -- are the themes of the theme songs. See, in the North American theme songs, they tend to focus on the competition aspect of the Pokemon universe: lyrics like "Born to be a winner" and "strive to be the very best." But, in the Japanese theme songs, they focus more on the hero's journey, not the battles that he faces. I don't know, the Japanese themes just make the entire Pokemon universe seem more...epic.

I also sat down to watch the director's running commentary on Disney's Beauty and the Beast. That was rather fascinating. When Beauty and the Beast was made in the years 1989-1991, the concept of melding computer animation in with traditional animation was still very radical. We all know that famous ballroom scene from Beauty and the Beast, where Belle and Beast dance while Mrs. Potts sings the titular song. We also all know how the background -- the entire ballroom itself -- is computer animated. The directors share that, when the animators first pitched doing that scene in CGI, they did so very nervously. Why? Because it was still new and experimental. So this is leading me to develop a theory about animation.

Because the more successful animated films of recent years have been computer animated, many are quick to spell the death of traditional animation. But let's take a look here. Beauty and the Beast did many revolutionary things in the field of traditional animation. It was the first to use a CGI background. (In fact, the directors reveal they wanted MORE 3-D CGI backgrounds in the film, but the technology just wasn't fast enough yet.) It's was only Disney's second movie to use computer-coloured cels. While all this revolutionary stuff was going on, what did it produce? The only animated film ever to be nominated for Best Picture.

Computer animation, for the most part, is still a relativly new medium. Hell, Toy Story's not even 10 years old yet. People are still pushing it's limits, seeing what can be done with it. A similar situation arose in 1990, when Beauty and the Beast was being made. These animators were pushing the technology, seeing what can be done with it. People look at the failure of most traditional animated films right now and say that people just aren't interested in them any more. I don't think that's the case. I think what's going on is, because CGI is still so new, the animators are feeling more creative with it, seeing what boundries there are, and thusly, producing better stories. That was the same thing in 1990, when traditional animation was making it's comeback.

You know, let's try an analogy here. Let's take a great artist. S/he had worked his/her whole life in black & white. S/he has become very good with black and white imagry. S/he pushes new boundries daily. Now, let's give this artist a new colour. Let's give them, say, green. The artist would be like, "Wow! Green! What can I do with this?" and would go and produce all kinds of striking black, white, and green pictures. Does this spell the end of black and white? Hell, no. A lot of great art still happens in black and white.

So, that's all that's happened with the advent of computer animation. We've just given the artists green. And, while everyone is fascinated with it, black and white still goes strong.

Does this make sense? It made sense while I watched Beauty and the Beast.

Anyway, let's take a quick look at the business side of animation. As most folks know, I love Pixar. Pixar currently has a contract to make computer animated films for Disney. Now, that contract ends in 2005. After that, no one knows what's going to happen to Pixar. Will they go solo? Will they sign up with a new studio? No one really knows. A lot thought that Pixar and Disney would go their seperate ways in 2005, as Steve Jobs (the head of Pixar) and Michael Eisner (the head of Disney) are starting to...well, feel a little animosity towards each other.

But then, a little movie happened: Finding Nemo. In case you haven't been following the box office receipts, Finding Nemo will shortly surpass The Matrix Reloaded as the #1 movie of 2003 (so far). Suddenly, Eisner is liking Pixar all over again. And, sadly, despites Jobs' dislike of Disney, the sad truth is a lot of Pixar's animators are ex-Disney. You can take the animator out of the Magic Kingdom, but you can't take the Magic Kingdom out of the animator. So, suddenly, both sides are very eager to re-negotiate their contract. As much as I'd love to see Pixar go solo, they might be under the sway of Disney for a lot longer.

Next issue...Celebi: A Timeless Encounter.

As I'm sitting down and going through my DVD stockpile, I got incredibly pissed off at the fact that, for the DVD release, they changed the end of Back to the Future! We're all familiar with it. The DeLorean lifts off into the air, does a 180, heads towards the screen, does it's time jump at the precise moment, the words "To Be Continued...." flash on the screen, and the end credtis roll. Well, on the DVD, they cut out the words "To Be Continued...." I was livid! Back to the Future is my all-time favourite movie ending, and they changed it!

Then I watched Back to the Future part II with the trivia text commentary. At the end of part II, when the words "To Be Concluded...." flash on screen, we see this trivia bit pop up: "The words 'To Be Concluded....' end this film to reference 'To Be Continued....' which was added to the end of the home video release of part I."

So, the words "To Be Continued...." only appear at the end of the home video version of Back to the Future. I guess I have to stop complaining because the DVD does, in fact, contain, the original theatrical version. Having only ever seen part I on video, I didn't know that.

Anyway, I had my first North American Saturday morning in a long time. It was very strange to watch Pokemon. Having lived in Japan for a year, I now see how...Japanese it really is. I see things in the background and when I hear the explaination that the translators cooked up, I say, "Hey, that's NOT what's really going on." You're going to think it's weird, but it makes me appreciate it more.

But the one thing I was really eager to see was the all-new He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. Two episodes on YTV! The eps I saw:

The Beast Within - In a scuffle with the forces of evil, Man-E-Faces reverts to his monster form. Beast Man uses his control of beasts to take over Monster Man-E-Faces and Monster Man-E kicks the asses of Man At Arms and Buzz Off before He-Man shows up and kicks Beast Man's ass. Because of this, Man-E-Faces vows never to use his monster form again. Meanwhile, tired of his henchmen's ineptitude, Skeletor hires two bounty hunters, Tuvar and Baddhras to go bring him the head of He-Man. Skeletor orders Tuvar and Baddhras to work together, but they are longtime rivals and can't stop fighting each other. He-Man and Man-E-Faces go off to the Tar Swamps to investigate reports of a monster, only to find it's a trap laid by Tuvar and Baddhras. They succeed in capturing He-Man, but then begin fighting over who'll bring him back to Skeletor. Skeletor's henchmen then show up, kick Tuvar and Baddhras's asses, and then claim He-Man for themselves. At the other end of the swamp, Man-E-Faces was fighting a big, mean, Tar Swamp creature, and had to revert to his monster form to escape. He shows up in full monster mode to free He-Man, but Beast Man again attempts to gain control of Monster Man-E. Man-E fights off Beast Man's control, reminding Beast Man that he is an actor, and thus chooses what roles he plays. Monster Man-E frees He-Man, and together they defeat Skeletor's gang. And, as punishment for ineptitude and inability to get along, Skeletor fuses Tuvar and Baddhras into a single being: the two-headed Two-Badd.

Orko's Garden - Orko get upset that all of the other Masters get kick-ass jobs defending the palace, and that he gets nothing. So, to appease Orko's feelings, Man-At-Arms puts him in charge of repairing the palace garden. Orko, however, doesn't know anything about plants, and his efforts are disastrous. Ram Man, wanting to help, suggests that Orko go to the Evergreen Forrest and seek the help of Moss Man. Orko goes off and stumbles upon a hidden chamber, containing a man claiming to be Moss Man. This fake Moss Man gives Orko some magic seeds. Orko plants them in the palace garden, and they grow into monstrous vines that capture everyone in the palace. Then, the fake Moss Man reveals himself to be Evilseed, Moss Man's arch-nemesis. Thanks to Orko's help, he is now free and taking control of the palace. Orko is at a loss of what to do, when the real Moss Man shows up, having "sensed a disturbance in the plant world." Moss Man and Orko go off to Evilseed's lair. While Moss Man and Evilseed have a huge plant-based superpower slugfest, Orko goes about freeing everyone else. "Just wait'll my friends are free!" says Orko to Evilseed. "They've got all kinds of magic powers from Castle Greyskull, and they'll kick your butt!" "Oh? Castle Greyskull contains magic powers, you say?" says Evilseed, and he breaks off his attack to go plunder Greyskull. Luckily, at this time, Prince Adam gets free and turns into He-Man. He and Battle Cat go off to save Greyskull, but they just aren't fast enough. Moss Man gives them some plant-based superpowered help, and they soon arrive in time. A huge battle rages between Moss Man & He-Man and Evilseed, and our heroes are soon victorious. Evilseed goes back to Moss Man's prison, and Moss Man finally helps Orko with the garden. But, Orko learns that with things like gardens, there are no short-cuts. And, to assist in the battle agains evil, He-Man asks Moss Man to join the Masters of the Universe. Moss Man accepts.

Next issue...The Monthly Spam: July 2003

The good and the bad:

The good: Before I left Japan, I bought the nifty compilation album of every Pokemon theme song.
The bad: It doesn't have the latest closing credits theme, which was this very surreal disco thing sung by Meowth.

The good: I finally buckled and bought a Morning Musme album.
The bad: It doesn't have my favourite song!

The good: YTV now shows the new He-Man and Transformers cartoons, along with Justice League.
The bad: I can't find where they re-scheduled Pokemon.

Next issue...The Wrath of Kahn

My first return to West Edmonton Mall after one year! My thoughts on this return:

- GAH! My favourite Burger King has been replaced with a...McDonald's. NOOOOOOOOOO!
- Wow. The RCMP merchandise store is right next to the marijuana "pariphinalia" store. Now THAT'S a thinly disguised sting operation.
- WOO! Comic King has Great Teacher Onikuza! Finally, I can read Vol. 4! (A former teacher left volumes 1-3 in my apartment back in Kumagaya and I got hooked.)
- Oh my God. The upper level of HMV is now all movies.
- Silver City remains the same. Gotta see Hulk and Finding Nemo.
- Music World shrank!
- Yes! There's an Asian supermarket in the mall now! But they don't have melon soda! You win some, you lose some.
- I think another dolphin died.
- Wow. All the books in this bookstore are in english!
- What happened to all the friendly, overtly polite clerks? That's right, they only have those in Japan.

Laptop is now safely in the hands of the Future Shop technicians. 4-5 days, they tell me.

Oh, and following one of my standard quirks, I did swing by Superstore to pick up Pokemon 4 on DVD. That's just a thing, I've bought all those movies at Superstore. The really strange thing is I finally rented it on video before I left Japan, so the original Japanese version is still fresh in my mind. I'm going to get to do a side-by-side comparison!

And no, Mr. Anderson, I haven't seen Hulk yet.

Next issue...Spidey Joins the Defenders!

I'm home.

I have made my triumphant return to Kumagaya! My last full day in Japan before heading home to the Great White North. Taking a moment to check e-mail, and made the last additions to my DVD stockpile: Strange Brew, X-Men 1.5 and An Evening with Kevin Smith. The big debate for me has been which DVD will I watch first when I return. Will it be the appropriate Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home? A marathon screening of the entire Back to the Future trilogy? No, I think the first thing will be Spider-Man. It was my parents' Christmas gift to me, and while watching it on my tiny little laptop screen was cool, let's watch it on a real TV.

I'm having a lot of fun playing with time differences. Tomorrow, I will be a time traveller, going back in time 24 hours! At 4pm on Saturday June 20, I will be arriving at both Narita Airport in Tokyo and Edmonton International in Canada! Cool, eh?

Final reflections:
What I'll miss about Japan:
- convenience stores that sell underwear
- melon soda
- cheap, reliable public transportation
- cute-as-a-button Japanese schoolgirls roaming the streets
- flavoured Kit Kats
- top notch customer service wherever you go
- those curry and nan chicken sandwiches they serve at KFC
- karaoke (although I got to do far too little)
- onsens

What I won't miss about Japan:
- earthquakes
- the ungodly Kumagaya heat
- damn expensive movies
- ladies of the evening accosting me on the way home from work asking me if I want a "massagee"
- drunken Japanese businessmen roaming the streets
- crowds, crowds, crowds

Priorities upon return to Canada:
- Get my laptop fixed
- Make sure NAIT got my tuition deposit so I can go back to school this fall
- Get back on Alberta Health Care
- Start finding a place in Edmonton for when I go back to school this fall
- Nail down a date on which Trouble and I will go see a movie. (I'd better watch that. I'll wind up restarting the rumour that we're dating.)
- Find a girlfriend (although that's really more of a life goal)

First thing I want to eat that's homecooked is a big ol' Alberta steak with a ton of pyrogies. First thing that I want to eat that's NOT homecooked is a greasy Hawaiian pizza from the Riverside Diner. Oh, and somewhere in it all my parents have to drag me to the greasy Chinese restaurant in Evansburg so I can show off my chopstick skills.

I leave Japan in 27 hours. Who's tingling? I am.

Next issue...Back in the Basement

Coming to you LIVE from an Internet cafe in scenic Nagano, Japan, it's Mark's Farewell Japan Tour!

So, the trip so far has happened like this. We began in Koenji in Tokyo, where I hung out with former coworker Mike one last time. Got to meet his band and we had some yakutori on the streets of Tokyo. As I walked down the streets in my Tilley hat and Hawaiian shirt, he turned to me and said, "Dude. You look like a tourist." My only response was, "I AM a tourist."

From there, it was off to lovely Fuji Go Ko. This is a chain of five lakes below Mt. Fuji, and said to be prime Mt. Fuji viewing territory. But, as is my luck, it was cloudy the whole time I was there. But, on my second day, things did clear up enough so I was able to make out Fuji through the haze. Very nifty. Saw Fuji, took a dip in the lakes, saw some lava tubes and the shrine where people pray before attempting to climb Fuji. After that, it was off to....

Matsumoto is an old castle town on the southern side of Nagano prefecture. I wanted to stay at a hostel, but the tourist info booth directed me to a cheaper ryokan. That's a Japanese-style B&B, for those who have never read my company's textbooks. Naturally, the staff spoke no English, but I managed to get along OK. Saw the castle (Matusumoto-jo) and took a dip in the nearby Shirahone Onsen. That was freaky, as it was as far off the beaten path as I had gone so far and I was definitly in a no English zone. But still, I soaked in the hot springs and fun was had by all! From there, I went off to....

Nagano, host of the 1998 winter olympic games, and a city I'd been wanting to visit ever since I found out it was so close to Kumagaya. Again, the only hostel was booked, so I got directed to a just-as-cheap ryokan. My goal here is to see former Olympic sites, and so far I've been doing pretty good for myself. I even got to see the Nagano Art Festival for free, because I was walking by, curious, and my phrase book didn't have, "What's going on here today?" so I tried to ask in English. They just waved me in to check it out for myself! Let me tell you gaijin innocense can only get you so far in Japan, but it's gotten me a lot.

And that's week one. Week two will see some more in Nagano, then down to Ueda and an onsen town called Bessho. From there, it'll be one last night in Kumagaya to close bank accounts and pick up my luggage, and then back in Canada!

Oh, and in Nagano I took an eveing to see The Matrix Reloaded. Off the cuff thoughts? Cool fights, Zion is is great eye candy, but I need to see it again to comprehend all that prophecy doubletalk.

Hey! I have now visited every Japanese Olympic host city:

Tokyo - Host of the 1964 Summer Games
Sapporo - Host of the 1972 Winter Games
Nagano - Host of the 1998 Winter Games

Although, I never actually went Olympic sightseeing in Tokyo. The closest was, one day, I was walking down the street and one of my friends said, "Hey Mark! You like the Olympics, right? Well, right over there is the arena where they had the swimming competitions."

And back off to the ryokan! Next issue...From Kumagaya, With Cookies!

I'm getting wonderfully paranoid right now. I stopped in at work one last time the other day, and several students have told me that they've begun e-mailing me. Thing is, I haven't gotten the messages. Seeing as to how my inbox is usually filled with 100 spam messages and 2 personal messages, I'm getting increasingly paranoid that I may be accidentally deleting these messages. What can I say, when the spam to personal messagess ratio is 50:1, I start thinking, "If it's not from someone I know, it must be spam."

I'm also growing more and more obsessed with seeing this Japanese movie called Battle Royale. ToyFare magazine called it "one of the creepiest movies ever made." The premise is this: the government is starting to think that today's teenagers are getting to rowdy, so they take a typical high school class of 42 students, strand them on a deserted island, give them a bunch of weapons, and the students have three days to kill each other. Last one alive wins. Oh, and each student is outfitted with an exploding collar, so if they break the rules of this "game," their heads are blown off. A sequel comes out in a matter of weeks.

Next issue...On the Road.

It's official. I'm an unemployed virgin gaijin stranded in Japan and soon to be homeless. My contract ended yesterday, so now the panic begins!

I leave Japan on June 21, but I still have no real plans in place as to what I'm going to do. I just have vague ideas to check out Mt. Fuji and Nagano. Hang out in the Japan Alps.

And right now I'm just geeking out over the trailer for The Incredibles. This is the new film from Brad Bird, director of my all-time favourite movie The Iron Giant. He teamed up with the Pixar crew to make this film, for Christmas 2004. But, they threw together a trailer to show in front of Finding Nemo, and damn, is it funny. That settles it. First movie I see when I get back is Finding Nemo.

Two more days to homelessness...and Matrix Reloaded.

Next issue...Dreams of Past Futures

One thing I will miss about Japan: Easy, cheap, reliable public transportation

One thing I won't miss about Japan: Easy, cheap reliable public transportation where they cram you into the rail cars like sardienes and just when your ribs are being crushed and you can hardly breath THEY PUSH ON MORE PEOPLE AND THEN YOU START PULLING OUT OF THE STATION AND YOU GET FLATTENED AGAINST THE WALL AS THE ENTIRE CROWD IS THRUST TOWARDS YOU!!!

This actually reminds me of an idea I had for sci-fi one time: the utilization of spacial distortions to maximize space in cars. This came about with all those car commercials advertising how much space they have. So, I started thinking, why not just use a spatial distortion to make a car interior as big as humanly possible? Thanks to a spacial distortion, you can have the same interior volume of a three story Victorian mansion in a sub-compact car. How's that for legroom?

But then, I started thinking, what would happen if you were in a car accident? What would happen if the spacial distortion were ruptured? I eventually figured that it would be like when a woman drops her overstuffed purse: it explodes and throws things everywhere. So, if one of these spatial distortion cars were ever in an accident, you'd probably find the contents strewn all over the 6-lane highway.

Next issue...Circuit Breaker!

Oh, and add one last thing to the list of things I've had to drink in Japan: a sake cooler at a local bar. I saw it on the menu and thought, "Where else in the world am I going to find a sake cooler?" Well, probably in Australia, as there was a huge "Made in Australia" logo on the label. It was pretty good.

And now it's time for another edition of Scarecrow's Storytime Theater.

(If this were my old radio show, this is when I'd cue up a few selections of Danny Elfman's Edward Scissorhands score)

Once upon a time, a long time ago, in the magic land of Bear Valley, their was an English school. This English school was ruled over by a head teacher who really didn't want the job, and thus occasionally butted heads with a brash, young (and incredibly good looking) teacher from a distant land. It's not that they hated each other, they just had different ways of doing the job and had problems communicating with each other, so in the long run they just made their lives more difficult for each other.

One day, the brash, young (and incredibly good looking) teacher spied a bag of peanut butter cups sitting next to the copy machine, and on top of it was the note "For everyone to share." Now, he loved peanut butter cups, so he ate one. It was so delicious, that he had another one. At this point, the head teacher walked in and got very upset. The brash, young (and incredibly good looking) teacher was treated to a lecture about how they were her peanut butter cups and she put them next to the coffee machine for everyone to share and that, really, the brash, young (and incredibly good looking) teacher had really eaten more than his fair share so he should lay off.

One week later, the brash, young (and incredibly good looking) was making copies at the photocopier when he spied a letter laying next to the photocopier. It was laying face up in a bright pink font and there was no attempt made to conceal it what so ever. Being a curious young man, he leaned over and read a little bit of this letter. He spied the first page of this letter, which was half-concealed by a book. He gently pushed the book aside and discovered that this was a letter being written to the new teacher to welcome her to Bear Valley. At this point, the head teacher walked and let out a scream that echoed all throughout the valley. This was a personal letter she had left laying about and the brash, young (and incredibly good looking) teacher had no right to be reading it! How dare he read things that had been casually left laying about! The brash, young (and somewhat vain) teacher attempted to apologize, but it fell on deaf ears. He kind of didn't care anyways, as he was being banished from the valley in three days.

The moral of this story is: things left next to the photocopier along with a note saying "for everyone to share" aren't really for everyone. That, and, with brash, young men wandering around the office, don't leave personal correspondence laying around.

Next issue...the Mechanic returns!

I'm currently having a debate with Chuck over e-mail in concerns to my future. It essentially works like this. 2 days ago, I get a phone call at work from head office. They want to offer me the position of "temporary emergency teacher." What this is is, for the next month or two, I get sent out to a school where a teacher went nuts and quit and I fill in for a few weeks until a permanent replacement can be found. It's a little more money, a company apartment, and I say how long I do it. Chuck, who found it to be a great act of corporate defiance when he turned down the same offer, can't understand why I, too, am turning it down. Here's the reason:

This has happened to me a few times in the past. I get in a fight with someone. The battle goes on long and hard. The war rages. But, finally, I see that I'm not making any headway. I'm never going to convince you of my opinion. And besides, you've reduced my face to a bloody pulp and I'm three breaths away from my last. I'm in a lot of pain and tired of the fight. So, I do the unimaginable. I agree with the other person, tell them they've convinced me, congradulate them on their victory, and try and crawl to the nearest hospital. But then, this stuns the other person. They can't take the victory. They start saying, "Well, you know, maybe you've got a point. I agree with you. Come back here and let's start fighting again." But I say no, the war is over, you won, I'm going to get over it, and walk away.

A few months ago, the company told me my lessons are of "poor quality" and told me that they weren't renewing my contract. That upset me. So, I started a fight with them. I called head office to complain. Representatives were sent out to have meetings with us and observe. I followed their advice and tried to really turn things around. But this wasn't good enough for a few people. I was soon left out of the daily staff meetings. Questions I asked about students were answered with growls. Recently, my head teacher asked me why I check the schedule 6 times a day. It's because you leave me out of the staff meetings, bitch. I need to know what's going on to do my job! Shortly before I left for my spring vacation, my head teacher got very upset with me. Because I was taking a few extra days off, one of private lessons had to be cancelled. My head teacher was very upset that, when I apologized to the woman, I didn't bow in the proper Japanese style. That's when I knew my face had been reduced to a bloody pulp and I was three breath away from my last. So, the company won. They're right, my lessons are poor quality. For the past month, I've only been doing the bare minimum required of my contract with the intent of getting out quickly and quietly. But, apparently somone noticed. They want to start the fight again. No, the war is over, you won, I'm going to go get over it now.

My parents told me to go with my gut. My gut says, "Let's go home."

And in other news, I finally went to Tokyo Disneyland. I had to get up at 6 am on Sunday to do so, which isn't too bad. When I get up at 6 on Sundays, I can watch Sailor Moon. (Sunday mornings at 6:30.) It's weird watching Sailor Moon in Japan. The TV station, naturally, shows an old print of it. It has a real, "We've been playing this for 30 years" look to it. I probably shouldn't admit to my studnets that I watch Sailor Moon. I was told once that it picked up a reputation for being a show for "dirty old men" and inspired quite a few porn knock-offs.

But you can't deny that Sailor Moon established the formula for every, shall we call them, "girls adventure cartoons." Our heroine is a typicaly neurotic, awkward, teenaged girl who, one day, is told by a cute talking animal mentor that she has superpowers and must save the world. Even though she's now this beautiful super-heroine, she's still awkward and neurotic in her civilian life, especially when dealing with the cute guy she really likes. She soon leads a team of similarly super-powered teenaged girls, and there's some friction in the group. They even get joined by a 10-year old superpowered girl, who becomes the requisited cute sidekick. Eventually, she gets her act together and starts dating the cute guy she likes and, surprise, he's got superpowers too, and eventually joins her superteam. But then, the forces of darkness corrupt his soul and turn him evil, and then she must save her boyfriend from the dark side. Once that's done, she defeats the ultimate evil and lives happily ever after until the next series. Do I about have that right?

Speaking of corruption of the soul, I feel I must mention that, although I still adhere to my belief of not drinking, I have had a few drinks in Japan. This is everything I've had to drink while in Japan:

One (1) beer - Because, after a meeting in which my head teacher spent an hour and half telling me how bad of a teacher I am, I, for the first time in my life, felt like getting drunk. One beer, however, reminded me of why I don't like beer.

One (1) glass of sake - Because I sent a bottle home to my folks so I figured I should know what I was sending.

One (1) vodka martini, shaken not stirred - Because, for once in my life, I wanted to be James Bond.

One (1) glass of red wine - Because it was the welcome party for my new manager and my head teacher just wouldn't lay off about how I don't drink. One swig shut her up.

Everytime I say I don't drink, the first thing often said by someone is, "Well, then, I really wonder what you're like drunk! I WANT TO SEE YOU DRUNK!" Only one person ever stopped saying that to me, it was after my contract wasn't renewed, I was still in a fighting mood, and spewing a lot of venom about the company. My friend looked at me and said, "I don't want to see you drunk anymore. Someting tells me you'd be an ugly drunk."

I'm about done here, folks. Time to call head office and officially tell them, "Thanks, but no thanks."

Next issue...side by side with Destro!

There's only been two occasions in Japan where I truly felt like a redneck. The first happened back in November, as I went to the mountain town of Nagatoro with some friends. We stopped at this soba (Japanese noodle) restaurant for lunch. We all chose the day's special, which included a side of chestnut rice.

Now, the rice was served in a unique fashion. It was wrapped in a bamboo leaf, and tied shut with a string. Everyone else was able to untie their string and tie into their rice with no problem, but not me. The knot was tiny and tight, and I just couldn't untie it. Even one of my friends fiddled with it, but it could not be undone. Finally, I said, "Screw it!" whipped out my pocket knife and cut the string.

(I should point out that I only feel like a redneck in retrospect. At the time, I thought it was a very practical solution to the problem at hand.)

The second time happened a month ago, as I was on vacation in Osaka. Now, my head teacher is from Osaka, and she told me I had to eat some okonomiyaki while I was there. "They make the best in Japan!" she told me. Okonomiyaki is constantly called Japanese style pizza by my company's textbooks, but it's nothing like pizza. I think it's more like an omlette. But the truth is, it's exactly like okonomiyaki.

Anyway, it was suppertime, and I wanted some okonomiyaki. Lonely Planet Japan recommended a restaurant called Chibo as a place to get a very good, very cheap plate of okonomiyaki. I easily found Chibo, but what Lonely Planet Japan failed to mention was that it was a very upscale place. So, here is this restaurant filled with men in suits and women in their finest, and in walk I. I was wearing faded blue jeans, a Hawaiian shirt, a backpack slung over my shoulder and my Tilley hat upon my head. All someone had to do was crank up Cowboy by Kid Rock and it would have been a scene from every east-meets-west comedy.

So they showed me to a seat at the bar, gave me an English-language menu, and I had a very good, very cheap plate of okonomiyaki. I walked in with all eyes on me, and I walked out with all eyes on me. I figured I should do something to fit in with the city-slickers, so I paid with my credit card.

In other news, my god, "Weird Al" Yankovic, has released his latest album, Poodle Hat. My good friend Chuck was kind enough to download the album with his high speed Internet and share his opinons with me. He figures the best song is called Ode to a Superhero and he sent me the complete lyrics. I'll just reprint the first verse and chorus for your enjoyment:

Ode to a Superhero
(Parody of Piano Man by Billy Joel)

Poor Peter Parker was pitiful
He couldn't have been any shyer
Mary Jane still wouldn't notice him
Even if his hair was on fire

but then one day he went to that science lab
That mutated spider came down
And now Peter crawls over everyone's walls
And he's swinging all over town

Sling us a web, you're the Spider-Man
Sling us a web tonight
Cuz we're all in the mood for a hero now
And there's evil-doers to fight

Chuck just burned me a copy of Poodle Hat and mailed it off to me. He says we're practicing "new digital-age ethics: download an album to check it out, then buy it anyway."

Next issue...the Wrath of Jacana!

Many simple things just fascinate me. Currently, it's the origins of country's names. For example, I've been in Japan long enough now to know that "Japan" isn't the Japanese name for Japan. It's "Nippon." My mother is German, and thanks to several German relatives, I learned that "Germany" isn't the German name for Germany. It's "Deutchland." So how did "Deutchland" come to be known as "Germany" to the rest of the world? Why is "Nippon" called "Japan" by the rest of the world? Anyone out there know the answer?

Another thing that blows my mind is the name game on Transformers: Armada. Yup, I'm watching it here in Japan, and I'm following the developments of the toy back home. Now, a common trend on both sides of the Pacific is to give these newer Transformers the names of old, classic Transformers, primarily to spark a sense of nostalga among collectors, and so Hasbro (in North America) and Takara (in Japan) can keep their copyrights on the names. But, what surprises me is that they don't use the same recycled name on both sides of the Pacific. About the only common ones are "Megatron" and "Starscream" (a Decepticon tank and jet, respectivly). Here are some other discrepancies:

The Autobot ambulance that North Americans call "Red Alert" is known as "Ratchet" in Japan.
The Autobot sportscar that North Americans call "Hot Shot" is known as "Hot Rod" in Japan.
The Autobot bulldozer that North Americans call "Scavenger" is known as "Devastator" in Japan.
The Autobot crane that North Americans call "Smokescreen" is known as "Grapple" in Japan.
The Autobot sportscar that North Americans call "Blurr" is known as "Silverbolt" in Japan.
The Decepticon helicopter that North Americans call "Cyclonus" is known as "Sandstorm" in Japan.

Also doing more reading up on The Matrix Reloaded. It doesn't come out until June 7 here in Japan. It'll probably be the last movie I see in this country. Sadly, the reviews aren't very good. I guess part of me isn't that surprised. I remember the last time that two sequels to a hit movie were made at the same time. That was Back to the Future Parts II and III. I think we all agree that 3 is the better movie, right? Oh, well. I'll wait and judge for myself.

Actually, what's really blowing minds right now is how interconnected the whole Matrix universe has become. From what little I've read, one of the plot points of The Matrix Reloaded is this letter for Neo from the crew of a ship called Osiris. Now, how this letter wound up in the Matrix is chronicled in the animated short film The Final Flight of the Osiris, which ran in front of Dreamcatcher and will soon be on the The Animatrix DVD. How this letter gets to Neo is chronicled in the video game Enter the Matrix, who's plotline runs concurrently with The Matrix Reloaded. In Enter the Matrix, you are the Reloaded character of Niobe, and your mission is to recover the letter. And, if what I've read is true, it's Niobe who does deliver the letter to Neo in The Matrix Reloaded. They say this raises the standard for video game tie-ins. I think it's just an interesting concept.

The job is marching forth to it's eventual conclusion. Actually, right now, I'm feeling a swell of pride. In my final weeks, we also have to take a survey of our students, so I find that I'm announcing that I'm leaving the company at the start of the class (I have to do that, so they aren't shocked when the new teacher comes) and passing out the survey at the end of class. When I collect the surveys, I just kind of scan over them, and I find that in the "Any Additional Comments" section, a few of the teenage girls I teach have been writing, "DON'T GO! I LOVE YOU!" It's a nice boost to the ego.

But then, my ego gets nicely deflated in incidents like the following. One of my private lessons has been coming to my school for just about 6 years now, and has had his share of foreign teachers. I told him I was leaving and he just blinked and said, "Oh. Has it been a year already?"

I still can't believe that my successor is in his late-40s. I half-expect to get a call from head office soon. "Yeah, Mark, can you stay for another month while we find someone else to replace you? Yeah, he's not coming to Japan now. His wife said he could have the sportscar instead."

But plans are underway now for what to do when the job ends. I decided to take a few weeks and see a few more sights in Japan before returning to good ol' Entwistle. High on my list is Nagano. I've been wanting to go ever since I found it's just an hour down the shinkansen line from Kumagaya, but poor planning has always kept me from going. No more excuses this time! I'd also like to get a little closer to the Mt. Fuji area just because, well, it's Mt. Fuji. Coming to Japan and not seeing Mt. Fuji? That's like going to Paris and not seeing the Eiffel Tower, or going to Glendon and not seeing the world's largest pyrogy. Ya just don't do it. I've also got this urge to see Hiroshima. I don't know why, I just want to see it. And, if time and money permit, up to Sapporo one last time to see Chuck and L. But, first things first! In order to do all this, I had to tell the company I wanted cold hard cash in lieu of a plane ticket home, so I've got to go out and buy a plane ticket home. All this is irrelevant unless I'm back in Entwistle this summer.

And before I go, I'd just like to report on some of the latest development in evil. I don't know why, but there's this push in the industry to develop a DVD that you can watch only once. Well, I know why. It's so you can watch it just once, then have to go buy another one. The first one I read about was called "SpectraDisc." This was designed with a special coating that was burned by the laser that reads your DVD. After you'd watched it just once, the DVD is burned beyond your DVD player's ability to read it. Now, the Walt Disney Company is ready to put one on the market called "EZ-D." Once you take it out of the package, a chemical reaction begins between the disc and the air, and within 48 hours, the disc is completely rusted over so your DVD player can't read it. Disney said they did this to "revolutionize" the DVD rental industry. See, you just throw out the disc. No longer are you bothered with taking it back to the store! I still think disposable DVDs are a bad idea....

Anyway, that's all for now. Next issue...and X-Man dies!

Nothing more depressing that checking your e-mail for the first time in 3 days and finding nothing but 100 spams.

In news only I care about, Disney has decided to speed up the production of their Platinum Collection of DVDs. The Platinum Collection is the moniker of their 2-disc special editions of their animated classics. Their original plan of releasing only one a year over the next ten years, starting in 2001, is starting to make Disney scratch their heads, as research indicates that next generation DVDs will be on the market by 2005. So, Disney will now release 2 a year over the next five years, and they have added four more titles to the Platinum Collection. Already out in the Platinum Collection are Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (2001) and Beauty and the Beast (2002). 2003's Platinum Collection is going to be The Lion King. The remaining 7 of the original 10 are Aladdin, The Little Mermaid, Bambi, Cinderella, Lady and the Tramp, 101 Dalmatians and The Jungle Book. The four new additions are Sleeping Beauty, Pinocchio, Fantasia, and Peter Pan.

I was watching a little bit of Die Hard before making my excursion to the Internet cafe tonight. Nothing makes me laugh more now than those classic scenes where the hero picks up the phone to call for help, only to find that the villain has cut the phone lines. I hope very soon to see this film in some cheezy action film or cheezy action TV show:

Hero>> Quick! Pick up the phone and call for help!
(Heroine picks up the phone)
Heroine>> The phones are dead! They must have cut the lines!
(Hero tosses Heroine a small object)
Hero>> Then use my cellphone.

One of the curses I have as being a big movie buff with dreams of being a filmmaker some day is I occasionally have brilliant flashes of dialogue, but no movie to wrap around it. Had such a flash the other day. So, please, don't steal this, as it's from my soon-to-be-made-Academy-Award-winning-film:

Man and woman are walking down the street. Woman accidentally trips the man.

Woman>> Oh, I'm so sorry!
Man>> Don't be.
Woman>> why?
Man>> Because, from this angle, I can see up your skirt.
(Woman gets embarrased and moves to cover herself)
Man>> Oh, don't be all embarrased. (Man gets up) Purple's a good colour on you.

One drawback to teaching the English language along side a group of Americans. Every time I write "colour" or "favourite" or "theatre," they lecture me on my incorrect spelling.

Let me tell you a little secret.

One of my favourite things to do is to go to McDonald's, buy a cheeseburger, sit by a window and watch the world go by. I'm sure if I were a "socially responsible human being" and not "fascinated by the whole bright colourful kid world thing" as Chuck put it once, McDonald's would be replaced by a Mom-and-Pop coffee bar and the cheeseburger would be replaced with a cup of herbal tea that was organically grown in the back room. I was a socially responsible human being once, but I gave up because the world kept kicking me in the ass for being one.

In somewhat related news, the Stony Plain Liberal Association no longer exists because the new management never filed the proper year end paperwork.

Speaking of politics, I'm fascitnated by this story going on in Japan right now. One of the prefectures recently had a byelection, and a masked wrestler ran for office. He wore his mask all throughout his campaign, and vowed to continue wearing it if elected. Well, he got elected, and now he's wearing the mask into the prefecture's council chambers. The rest of the prefectural council is not impressed by this lack of professionalism and is starting to forge legeslation to force him to take off his mask.

Huh.

As I aimlessly ride my bike around Kumagaya, my mind wanders. Today, it wandered onto the subject of the animated short film. Pixar frequently shows short films of theirs in front of their movies. The Final Flight of the Osiris from The Animatrix is currently running in front of Dreamcatcher. This year's Oscar-winning short film the Chubchubs ran in front of Stuart Little 2. And, Warner Brothers has even announced they're going to be making all new Looney Tunes animated shorts to run in front of their blockbusters.

Do you think the animated short is making a comeback?

Once my grandmother told me of how their would be a half-hour's worth of animated shorts in front of films. That was back in her day. But now, it's my day. Some where, the short films migrated from the big screen to television, and animated shorts became nothing but the fodder of film festivals. Even Pixar admits that they primarly don't do short films for fun, they're proof of concept pieces. (ie something to get the bugs out of the new animation software.) And I guess it's Pixar who's kinda responsible for this trend. This really didn't take off until they stuck Geri's Game in front of A Bug's Life.

The animated short is a medium that hasn't been explored in quite some time. Right now, it's probably just being viewed as a novelty; something to get the kids into the theatre. You just know that the only reason why they stuck Final Flight of the Osiris in front of Dreamcatcher was to get all those Matrix geeks into the theatre.

I guess the animated short really won't make a comeback until we get that one, single visionary animator who really dominates the field. Like back in the golden days of animation, when we had Chuck Jones doing Looney Tunes, Walter Lantz on Woody Woodpecker, and William Hannah & Joseph Barberra doing Tom & Jerry. Sure, we've got our animators today, folks like John Lassetter and Brad Bird, but they're doing animated features. The short really won't come back until we've got a celebrity in the field.

And that's all I've got to say about that.

Just bought the 2-disc special edition of Who Framed Roger Rabbit and the big boxed set of the Back to the Future Trilogy. This is for my DVD stockpile. These are discs I'm buying online and shipping to my parents for my eventual return to Canada. The stockpile now includes the 2-disc special editions of Star Treks 2, 3 and 4 and Beauty and the Beast. Also, Disney's 4-disc set The Complete Goofy. My parents tell me my DVD player's been untouched since I left Canada. I'm really going to get it going when I get back....

"Hello. I think it's fair to warn you that I really have no idea what I'm doing here. All I have is this vague idea that I want to do a show. Things are going to be rough as I figure out how to do this, so all I ask is that you be tolerant. As for who I am, you can address me as Scarecrow." - These are the first words I ever spoke on the first edition of my radio show. Seems appropirate to inaugurate this.

So, welcome to the Chaos In A Box blog. This thing won't be here very long, probably just for two months or so. This is just because my computer is fried and I need some form of creative release until it's fixed and I can pour my heart and soul back into my official website, Chaos In A Box. So, until that day arrives, meesa here.

What words of wisdom can I impart on you in this, my first blog? How about a good ol' movie review?

X2: X-Men United

Directed by Bryan Singer

Starring Patrick Stewart, Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry, James Marsden, Famke Jannsen, Alan Cumming, Ian McKellin, Bryan Cox, and a cast of thousands.

One year ago, I was sneaking a buddy of mine into Spider-Man. Just last night, I was standing in line in Japan to be the first to see X2. What a difference a year makes! Or three years. Way back when X-Men first came out, I was told by a friend of mine (The same friend I snuck into Spider-Man) of a midnight screening of X-Men and I hurridly called all my friends and saw it with a huge crowd of my friends and admirers. I saw X2 alone. What a difference three years makes!

The film opens with one mutant named Kurt Wagner launching an asasination attempt on the President of the United States. But, something about this just doesn't seem right, so Professor Charles Xavier sends out Jean Grey and Storm to find Wagner before the authorities do. The good Professor and Cyclops are off to visit Magneto in prison for the evening, so who's going to stay at the School for the Gifted and watch the children? Why, Wolverine of course, who's just returned from searching for his past, finding nothing but bombed-out military instillations. Meanwhile, back in Washington, General Stryker uses the attack on the President to launch an assault on a training ground for mutant terrorists - Charles Xavier's School for the Gifted. Before long, all hell breaks loose, and the few remaining X-Men have to team up with Magneto to save Professor Xavier - before Stryker manipulates him into killing every mutant on the face of the Earth. Will Magneto return to the side of good? Will Wolverine discover his past? Will Pyro get tempted by evil? Will Rouge and Iceman ever find a way to get it on? And, more importantly, what's will all these visions of phoenix-like flames that Jean Grey is having whenever she uses her powers?

Ladies and gentlemen, add this to the short of list of sequels that are better than the first films. This movie just begins and doesn't let up. It does help if you've seen the first film, though, as it really doesn't slow down for exposition. It's just lots of explosions and story and...wow. Jackman once again kicks ass as Wolverine, and McKellin is wonderfully sinister as Magneto. And Cumming as Nightcrawler is just wonderful! This film really does take things to the next level. And, unlike that other Patrick Stewart film I've recently seen (Star Trek Nemesis), you really feel something when one of the main characters dies at the end. This movie almost surpases Spider-Man as the best Marvel movie to date.

4 Nibs