Just forget the words and sing along

Sunday, May 16, 2004

I've been wanting to do some serious writing ever since summer started, but I always seem to find some menial distraction. But, when writing this column, I finally figured out what I have to do to write distraction-free. I packed up my laptop, headed out onto the deck, and wrote it in the sunshine. Ahh, the miracle of modern, portable technology!

And that's how I wrote this little gem called Explorer. I'm slapping a "PG-13" rating on this one this week because of some mature subject matter:

"I am an explorer. I push myself into the unknown to find out more about the world around me. I look to my heroes – Captains Kirk, Picard, and Sisko – for inspiration. Brave explorers all. Venturing out into the final frontier. Seeking out all there is in heaven and Earth. To learn more about the universe around us; to find out more about the human condition; to discover what makes things work so as to further the human race. Being an explorer is one of the noblest professions. I am an explorer.

At least, this is what I kept telling myself as I looked at the wall of dildos."

As always, click here to find out what the hell I got myself into.

Yeah, this is just the latest result of my obsession with sex. Probably my favourite way for this obession to manifest itself has to be with the Pay Per View. I love reading the one-sentence plot descriptions of the porn films. It's funny, the way they try to dramatically say, "People have sex." Let's see what's playing right now:

Kira Talks Dirty - A woman brings her fantasies to life

Babes in Boyland 2 - Interracial couples please one another

Seymore's Tounge in Cheek - Beauties speak lust's universal language.

What's funnier though are the ones for gay porn. They're pretty much the same, only they start with the phrase, "In an all male cast...." Let's see if I can find a gay porn one...here we go!

A Weekend in West Hollywood - In an all male cast, hunks spend a steamy holiday together.

And, for the really filthy ones, forget Pay Per View. We just skip up to the Hustler Channel (which my family does not subsribe to, by the way). Currently playing....

I Want to F... You! - Beauties demand immediate satisfaction.

They're good for a laugh, I tell you!

And can I let you in on a secret? In the past 11 months I've been home, I've bought three porn films on Pay Per View. I'm really shocked that Mom & Dad - who pay the cable bill - have yet to confront me about it.

Next Issue...The Straight and Narrow

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